10 Practical Tips to Help a Friend Through Grief        (Advance October 20, 2002)

1.  Respond to the death as soon as possible.Don't assume the person is fine or that closer friends or relatives are enough to fill the void.

2.  Notice things.What do they need and what can you do? Don't expect to be asked... it's a confusing and unpredictable time for everyone. Think about providing some of the essentials... tissues, extra coffee, disposable glasses, cups, plates, napkins, paper towels, baggies and containers for leftovers. None of these are perishable and can be returned or used later.

3.  Remember that shock may carry the bereaved through those first few days.A certain amount of shock is common even when the death is expected. Shock just softens the impact of reality and allows the grief-stricken some time to absorb the facts. Respond to their immediate needs; most often the tough stuff comes later.

4.  Avoid clichés and use references to God only if you know the faith of the bereaved.You might consider a heartfelt, "I'm sorry," "I don't know what to say," or a warm hug.

5.  Don't relate this death to ones that you have experienced. It's not your grief, and your feelings and coping style are not exactly like anyone else's.

6.  Encourage and/or allow tears.Crying is a normal and healthy reaction to grief. Provide a shoulder and a tissue.

7.  Avoid judgement of the grief-stricken.Most often, they can't even think straight. Almost anything is acceptable at first, as long as it isn't physically harmful to the bereaved or those around them.

8.  Encourage talking and reminiscing.Bring up your good memories. Say their name! Remember, the important thing is that our deceased loved ones lived, not that they died.

9.  Listen... and listen... and listen."Just be there" when you can, and when you have the courage and the energy. Being with the bereaved is hard and exhausting work.

10. Wait to be asked for advice.Be careful about offering suggestions, as your friend's feelings will be changing for quite awhile. If the death was particularly traumatic or complicated, a few counseling sessions could be a consideration later on.  (From The Centre for Hospice & Palliative Care web page - www.hospicebuffalo.org)

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