| Children and Grief
(Advance January 25, 2004) Children can experience a
range of losses throughout childhood that lead them to grieve. Besides the
death of a person, losses can include family separations and parental
divorce, death of pets, and relocation of their home. By acknowledging to
the child that their feelings are normal and supporting their grief, we
help children not only to adapt to the loss, but also to learn adaptive
skills that they can use to face future situations.
It is important to be honest when discussing death with a child.
Experts agree that telling a child anything less than the truth will end
up causing more distress in the future. Children remember, and scars may
surface years later. It is just as important for children of all ages to
weep and grieve, as it is for adults. The child’s questions can lead your
conversation. What do they want to know? What can they understand? What do
they need to know? What fears or misinformation do they have? Children
need simple answers, using real words like dead and died - using terms
such as gone away or sleeping can create more fears for the child. By
showing your feelings of loss and talking about the person who died shows
that their life had value and meaning.
It is a good idea to begin early in preparing children to understand
and accept life cycles so they see that death and grief are a normal part
of life. Nature is full of perfect examples. You can point out the
seasonal changes in flowers and trees; that animals in the wild die in the
woods, and pets die at home.
Taking children to visit relatives in the hospital or in a nursing home
also helps to educate them about life cycles, teaches them responsibility,
and encourages a healthy attitude towards aging. And we know what joy it
brings to elderly people to be among children.
When a family member dies, children react differently from adults.
Preschool children usually see death as temporary and reversible, a belief
reinforced by cartoon characters who "die" and "come to life" again.
Children between five and nine begin to think more like adults about
death, yet they still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they
know. It is normal during the weeks following the death for some children
to feel immediate grief or persist in the belief that the family member is
still alive. However, long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief
can be emotionally unhealthy and can lead to more severe problems.
Once children accept the death, they are likely to display their
feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of time, and often at
unexpected moments. If the person who died played an important role in the
child’s life, anger will be a natural reaction. This feeling may show up
in aggressive play, nightmares, irritability, or other behaviours.
Should a child visit someone in a hospital who is dying? Should they go
to a funeral? If a child is able to sit through a visit, they should be
given a choice. For that choice to be meaningful, children need
information and options. Explain what they are likely to see. Give them
choices. They can visit in person, speak on the telephone, make a tape
recording, and/or write a letter or make a card. They might want to go
only to the funeral visitation, rather than the service or graveside. It
is important to have someone with the child who can be supportive whatever
they choose.
Other ideas that can help a child deal with their loss include:
asking the child to draw a picture of a happy memory they have of
the person who has died. The picture could be placed in the casket or
with the urn.
the child could write a letter to the person who has died thanking
them for their kindness, telling them how much they loved him or her
and saying goodbye.
the child could pick flowers from the garden or choose flowers from
a florist to be placed either in or on the casket or by the urn.
with help from an adult, the child could create a scrap book of
memories of the one who has died. This could include photographs,
letters, cards, or anything the child considers special to keeping the
memory of that person alive.
older children could have a special job to do at the funeral, such
as reading a selection or acting as ushers.
There are many resources to help guide and comfort a child through the
process of grieving. Hospice Muskoka and Hospice Huntsville have books to
lend as well as your local public library.
Caregiver Meetings - please join us for information, helpful tips,
humour, and tea. All meetings are 1:30 - 3:00 p.m. At Rogers Cove
Retirement Home, Huntsville on February 04; at Burks Falls Health Centre
on February 05; Gravenhurst Manor on February 25; Bracebridge United
Church on February 26. Assistance may be available if you need respite
(relief) or transportation to attend. Please contact Karen at 646-7677 or
1-800-777-2205.
Parkinson’s Muskoka Group - People with Parkinson’s and their
family meet monthly at Pinegrove Baptist Church, Taylor Road, Bracebridge
on February 09, 1:30 - 3:00.
Grief Group - If you are struggling with the loss of a loved one,
you are invited to join the grief group beginning January 27 at 7:00 p.m.
at Bracebridge United Church. To register, please call Rev. Kevin Logie at
645-5713.
Caregiver Meetings:
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