Bereavement: A Life Passage  (Advance June 1, 2002) 

“The presence of that absence is everywhere.”  Edna St. Vincent Millay

“Becoming widowed is surely among life’s most traumatic events.  The sorrow of losing a spouse is unique in the human experience; gone is a partner and lover, helpmate and adviser.  The fact that death can be anticipated - when it occurs at an advanced age or after a long illness - makes bereavement no less painful.” (Bernice MacDougall, National Advisory Council on Aging Member, Saskatchewan)

Widowhood can happen to both men and women at any age, but because women generally live longer than men, 80% of the 1.5 million widowed people in Canada are women.  The lifestyles of widows and widowers is also different.  Women are more likely than men to have a large peer group for social and emotional support.  They also tend to have closer ties with their children, especially daughters.

Bereavement experiences vary widely.  Adjusting to widowhood usually involves an initial period of shock and numbness, then a time when pressing practical matters are a priority.  Working through the grief process may take two years or more, while redefining an individual and social identity and settling into a new way of life often takes a few years longer.

What is ‘normal’ grief?   “The long sobs of the violins of autumn pierce my heart.”  Paul Verlaine  Grief is the human response to significant loss.  Grief does not follow a fixed timetable or list of symptoms.  Normal feelings include shock, numbness, sadness, anger, remorse, resentment, guilt.  You may hear the voice of the person who died, have flashbacks to the funeral or to moments before the death, or think you see the person on the street.  Difficulty concentrating and remembering is common, as are irrational thoughts and changes in sleep patterns and appetite.

This severe emotional distress may take months to dissipate.  Then, periods of feeling better may be interrupted by renewed sadness.  Even when things seem to be getting back to normal, the heartache may return when you realize that the new ‘normal’ is not the same as the old ‘normal’ - the death of a long-time partner changes things forever.

For some, bereavement starts before death.  Learning that a spouse has a terminal illness or dementia often prompts anticipatory grief.  When death comes, the bereaved person may feel relief, sometimes accompanied by guilt or remorse about the quality or source of care the spouse received before death.

Consequences and adjustments: Not only do men and women have different chances of being widowed, some studies suggest they also experience bereavement and adjust to widow(er)hood differently.  “She cries, he sighs” is how one counsellor sums up differences in male and female grieving patterns.  The disparities arise from social expectations: it is acceptable for women, but not for men, to cry and express grief openly, which helps them work through and get beyond grief.

As if grief is not enough to deal with, death precipitates dozens of chores - settling the estate, applying for death benefits, filing insurance claims and tax returns, notifying various authorities.  Then there are decisions about where to live and with whom, how to handle new responsibilities and, for many women, how to live on a lower income.