The first time a teenager might have to deal with death is when a grandparent dies. The loss of other significant relationships such as a family breakdown, moving, the serious illness of a family member or close friend add to the normal turbulence of adolescence. Their grief is as real and life affecting as that of any adult’s. They need special understanding as they struggle with their feelings.

Although adolescents have likely developed a good understanding of death and what it means, they are usually deeply shaken by a personal experience with death. Their valued place in the family is reinforced by your including them in any family discussions, consulting with them, listening to them, and involving them in decisions. It is important to address their anxiety, worries or questions and provide honest, clear information about what has happened.

You might talk about what won’t change after a loss and in doing so provide as much stability and routine as possible. It is important that they know that the grief experience is different for everyone. Grief is like our fingerprints - unique and personal to us. There are no right or wrong ways to experience grief and there is no secret method that will take your grief instantly away.

Giving teens permission to grieve in their own way in the aftermath of the loss may mean that they seem withdrawn and/or express feelings of sadness, anger, and guilt. Encourage creative ways to express grief such as through music, art, writing, sports or whatever suits that person.

Adolescents who seem to be assuming responsibility for what has happened and feeling guilty need frequent reassurance. Ensure they do not take on responsibilities that should not be on young shoulders, for example to support everyone else emotionally.

Peer relationships are crucial to adolescents, so as they grieve their friends and general peer group will be very important to them. They may want to spend large amounts of time with them.

It helps if you model healthy ways of mourning. Adolescents (as well as young children) learn to grieve by observing others. Allow them to see grief in action, without it being hidden away. Share memories. Get out photographs, books, scrapbooks and mementos. Make a memory scrapbook or album together. Plant a memory tree or some flowers together. Visit special places. Spend time with old friends to talk and remember.

If an adolescent’s grief experience is particularly intense or absent for a long period, or depression seems present in an ongoing way, seek professional help and support from a trained grief counsellor. It can make a huge difference by gently and respectfully unblocking the log jam. If there is any suggestion of suicidal thoughts or even just wishing for death to come so they can be with the one who has died, seek immediate professional help. (Adapted from www.skylight.org.nz)

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